Twas the Night Before My Leg Workout

I’ve been told divorce “looks good” on me. Everyone who’s ever been through one knows exactly what I mean. It’s an automatic 30 pound drop. Then, you fall in love, get married again and wham! You’re up 30! (There’s a lesson here, I’m sure.)

During both divorces, I hired a trainer to not only keep the weight loss off but also to add muscle. It worked, but was it ever painful! Just for fun, I thought my trainer, Cheryl Brose (otherwise known as Helga), needed a poem just to honor her leg workouts. Here it is…

Twas the Night Before My Leg Workout

Twas the night before my leg workout,

And all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring

Just me planning to grouse.

My workout clothes were laid out with great care,

In hopes that I’d wake up and want to be there.

We were all nestled all snug in our beds,

While visions of 2-piece bikinis danced in my head.

When out of the blue there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

I was still able to, no Helga yet to thigh-mash!

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When what to my horrified eyes should appear,

But Helga and all of her tortuous gear.

With a 15 pound weight in each hand, so menacing and tall,

I knew in this moment I wasn’t going to the mall!

More rapid than eagles her devices of torture they came,

And she whistled and shouted and called them by name!

Now Smith Machine! Now Hack Squat! Now Leg Curl and Extension!

On Sled! On Lunges! Come on! Quit your bitchin’!

Now walk around! Walk around! Walk around all!

And then in a twinkling I was in such a state,

Standing as I was in Helga’s House of Pain and her weights!

As I drew in my head and turned quickly to run,

Down came ‘ol Helga and grabbed my right bun!

She dragged me to the weight room and gave her tools a whistle,

I felt as light as a feather in a thistle!

Her machines were all poised to hand out their pain,

And I heard her exclaim as she flew out of sight,

“Your thighs are mine,

so I’ll see you at first light!”